You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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