I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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