Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
