yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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