i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
