In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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