Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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