i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
