is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
