My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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