So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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