she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
