remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
please come you make the beer taste better
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
