I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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