If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
it glows. i had to have it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
