it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
40s are totally the cure
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
