curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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