I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
