He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
