Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
