i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
