I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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