Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
