when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
