I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
