I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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