If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
