oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
