That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
