I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
