i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize