guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
