wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
