Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just blew my weed a kiss
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
