Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
