just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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