Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
