I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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