Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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