Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
