Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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