i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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