The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
