Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize