Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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