So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
