the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
