Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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