Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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