I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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