Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
the liver wants what the liver wants
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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