So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
