I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
