The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
