He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
