i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
