There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
