he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
